"A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice."

"You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity."

"Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does that do me?"

"Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs."

"Save me, Jeebus."

"Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman."

"First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women."

"I don't want to go out like Elmo; hanging himself in his cell."

"Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it."

"How could you do this to me, Moe?! This bar was going under and it was my drink that saved it! If there was any justice, my face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise!"

"Once you go Vatican, you never go back again."

"I don't miss a thing. Whoa! We have a kitchen?!"

"There's so much I don't know about astrophysics! I wish I read that book by "that wheelchair guy"."

"It is better to watch people do stuff than to do stuff."

"It's not whether you win or lose. It's how drunk you get."

"Extended warranty? How could I lose?"

"The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!"

"I can't believe that someone I've never heard of wants to hang out with a guy like me."

"Oh, those jazz guys are just making that stuff up!"

"Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What’s-his-name?"

"My back yard makes my front yard look like an idiot."

"Aw, twenty dollars!? I wanted a peanut."

"Why you, you cancelled Platypus Man!"

"Son, your mother makes a very loud point."

"Okay Marge, its your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore."