John Hastings is a Toronto Comedian and he's doing his very first headlining appearance as a stand-up comedian at the Downtown Yuk Yuks on January 12th to the 16th.
I told him if he wanted a plug he had to write an essay on what he loves and/or hates about Toronto. Here's what he sent me.
I John Hastings love Toronto but like any great love affair a tiny hate sprinkle keeps my love for this city of large towers and bizarrely performing sports teams interesting. I hate the fact that nobody defends this city to the outside criticism that gets thrown at “Big Smoke” on a second by second basis by the people who do not live here. I am a comedian, which is a job that I have, and one of the tasks of that job is to go to every ridiculously tiny town and listen to someone who considers lack of teeth to be a point of pride bash my adoptive home.
Now these naysayers of my apartments location never mention massive traffic, a mayor who looks like a baby with his period or the extreme amount of taxes we face (the taxes in this town are so extreme I as a comedian who does not own a couch is aware that the taxes are outlandish). These summer teeth dolts mention things that do not make any sense when you think about the context in which the complaint is delivered. For example last while in Highland Hamlet Ontario (Not the real name of the town, the change was to protect the innocent it was to protect but due to the fact that I cannot remember the precise name of the town) and while there a man who was chewing tobacco and smoking a cigarette at the same time came up and asked how do I live in Toronto there seems to be nothing going on there. He said this as a resident of a town that did not have a grocery store and what was my response to this attack on my home. I stood there and nodded and said I know what I mean. I should have slapped the cigarette out his mouth and said listen up you hick in my town we burned police cars just because it was weekend in June but no as I previously stated I stood there, I starred, and said I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
I have no idea what causes this lack of defensive attitude in our people but we need to take a stand and explain to the rest of the country that we Toronto are the big dog in the yard and stop biting our ears of we are going to start biting back. Now how do we send this message? We burn down Oshawa first off I never trust a town that has three Wal-Marts that you can see from the highway yet no houses. As well nobody I am sure will miss it and finally I will roll into Blyth Ontario only to here somebody on snow-mobile say “Be complimentary that joker is from Toronto and last time I made fun of that big stupid tower Tie Domi showed up at my house and punched my dog”. For more gems like this come watch me yell at Yuk Yuks this week the 12th to the 17th 224 Richmond street all shows are at 8 and then 8 and 10:30 on Friday and Saturday.