My rules for restrooms at work

1. If I walk into a bathroom and you're washing your hands at the sink, there's no need for you to look around or in the mirror to see who's coming in so you can say hello. Restrooms aren't for parties. I really don't need to say hello to anyone in this terrible place. This is especially truy for co-workers I do not even know. It's even more awkward in this instance when you want to lock eyes with me in the mirror. Just don't do it.

2.Oh, I notice that you're having a full volume conversation on your phone while you use the facilities. Really?

3. If you're standing at the urinal next to me, must you do what so many of you do? Do you think that 1 inch piece of plastic dividing us will protect me from your foulness?

4. And ladies, don't think you're immune to your own set of rules. I generally do not frequent women's bathrooms (the operant word being generally), but I hear horror stories. Like Colonel Kurtz up the Nung river kind of horror. Perhaps the female readers of this blog can chime in.

5. Oh I notice when you don't wash your hands when you leave. Know this. I tell people about you. I tell them you're dirty. But you know what, it's ok. Your nastiness gives me an excellent ace up my sleeve for when you come around and shamelessly ask me to buy your stupid kids' stupid chocolates for their stupid fundraiser. Oh yes! When I say "no thanks", you'll be ready to bust my balls for being cheap. But I'll just say nothing and look at you, and then you'll remember that I know that you're a dirty bastard.



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Comments (45 - click here to join in!)

Lyle Lanley

If there are 3 urinals and I'm at the end, you must take the opposite end. Never take the middle urinal!

February 12, 2014 @ 12:31 PM

Declan

Beware the chap who leaves without washing his hands and then exclaims "oh!" and returns to do so.

He's only washing his hands because you're there. If the washroom was empty, he'd never have returned.

February 12, 2014 @ 12:34 PM

elvis

Courtesy flush!

February 12, 2014 @ 12:38 PM

Toronto Mike Verified as the defacto Toronto Mike

It's been a while since I've worked in an office, but the most awkward thing I remember is when a guy would go into a stall to do his business and would start talking to you.

The last thing I want to do is chat with a guy while he takes a shit.

February 12, 2014 @ 12:39 PM

elvis

Ridiculous. I wish those elvish invisibility cloaks were available when we used the washroom.

February 12, 2014 @ 12:52 PM

Nigel Trousershrapnel

"terrible place"
"foulness"
"nastiness"

I'm sensing some potty training issues.
I agree it's not a social space, but ya gotta do your business somewhere.

February 12, 2014 @ 12:53 PM

Corey

Ha ha! I didn't notice the byline until after I finished reading. The whole time I was thinking, "Wow. This is such a bizarre entry. Mike is really letting loose here." Any way, I love it. I too hate bathrooms - especially workplace ones. There is one guy here - not in my department, but on my floor, who I have noticed leaving a stall and waltzing right out of the bathroom without even a glance at the sinks. The guy drops a big, stinky load, wipes his ass, and leaves without washing his hands. Just unbelievably gross. I hate him just to see him now. He repulses me.

Also, I don't care how bad the urge - I would never, ever sit down in a stall next to another one that is occupied. I've been an unfortunate witness while standing at the urinal to the duelling farting asses, grunts and sighs and competing foul stenches of two co-workers, and it turns my stomach. I mean, how can you go back to your desks like everything is normal after hearing each other's splatters and breathing each other's stank. I think I'd have to quit my job.

February 12, 2014 @ 12:55 PM

Ryan G

@Nigel.

Ahhh..so you're one of those guys huh?

February 12, 2014 @ 12:57 PM

Toronto Mike Verified as the defacto Toronto Mike

@Corey

Every once in awhile, Ryan G surprises me with an entry. I usually find out when I see my own tweet about it, which is bizarre in itself.

I also see that my comments aren't marked up differently when Ryan G writes. That's because my mark-up code only kicks in when the comment is from the author, and I'm not the author.

February 12, 2014 @ 12:58 PM

Amanda

I work in a office where my floor is about 85% women. Even though they have been recently completely refurbished, going to the bathroom is a dreadful experience because of the state people leave them in; sometimes I think the women who use the facilities have a completely different anatomy to me. Do they leave them in such a state in their own homes? It's revolting; I've learned the cleaner's schedules so I only go in after they have been in there.

February 12, 2014 @ 12:59 PM

Broni

Agree on all accounts except #1. Saying hello to fellow human beings is what separates us from the animals.

February 12, 2014 @ 12:59 PM

Nigel Trousershrapnel

@ Ryan G.
Let the record show that I am and always have been pro-potty training. One of those guys indeed!

Ode da toilet - "Some come here to take a shit, I come here to leave one." Badda bing!

February 12, 2014 @ 1:07 PM

Frenchguy

Irony of #5 when you're soliciting donations yourself.

February 12, 2014 @ 1:08 PM

Philly-Bob

Easily one of the funniest posts ever...well done Ryan

February 12, 2014 @ 1:10 PM

519 Rob

Biggest problem where I work -
1) Piss on the seat
1b) Piss on the floor around the toilet seat

Honestly, is it that F'N hard to get it all in the bowl?

If you can't aim, then sit your ass down.

R

February 12, 2014 @ 1:13 PM

Monica

I don't know who designed our new office bathrooms, but the reflective flooring was such a bad idea. You can clearly see who's in the next stall just by looking down.

February 12, 2014 @ 1:14 PM

Ryan G

@Amanda

I hear you.

A while back the women in my office were complaining about someone who seemed to constantly piss on the floor. At least guys have a reasonable excuse if there's a miss. There's about 3 feet of open air between the dispenser and the receptacle (depending on the guy of course).

I couldn't fathom how that could happen with ladies until I was told that many of them hover to avoid the seat, which I sort of understand. But, that's why they provide those weird paper things to put on the seat

Anyway, this hoverer wasn't very good at hovering. It became chronic to the point that four or five women formed an unholy alliance, where they'd reconnoitre the women's bathroom in an effort to identify the problematic pisser.

Turns out, it was a Senior Manager, which sort of tells you a lot.

So, once the perp was id'd, she was rounded up and we all lined up side by side like at the end of Scooby Doo cartoons. We tried to pull the mask off the woman's head to reveal who it was, but she wasn't wearing a mask, which proved a bit awkward.

February 12, 2014 @ 1:15 PM

Sammi

If you plug the toilet, tell someone.

February 12, 2014 @ 1:16 PM

Toronto Mike Verified as the defacto Toronto Mike

@Frenchguy

I am soliciting donations, but I did not write this entry. It's a guest entry by Ryan G.

February 12, 2014 @ 1:17 PM

Stew

If there are 3 empty stalls and you picked the middle one to shit in, you're just an asshole.
Also, if you're standing at a urinal with both hands on your junk, don't ask the guy peeing next to you to look at your new watch.

February 12, 2014 @ 1:25 PM

Ben Vidal

I too rat out anyone that doesn't wash their hands when leaving the bathroom. There were some disgusting stats that came out a couple months ago about people washing their hands in bathrooms. The end result I think was something like 20% just quickly let their hands run under cold water and upwards of 50% don't even wash. So over 2/3's of the human race don't wash their hands. Think about that the next time you shake someone's hand.

Other pet peeve. Men that shed like yeti's on the urinal lip. I'm not saying every man has to wax to look like he's a 14 year old boy at his midriff. What I am saying is if I walk up to a urinal and there is nothing but alfalfa sprouts on the urinal lip you sir have a problem.

Snot or boogers on the wall. I don't know where this past time started, but anyone who decides they need to rid themselves of nose gold while at the urinal and then smear on the wall behind urinal should be committed. This is an atrocious act and anyone caught definitely isn't fit to hold down a job.

Lastly how far back a person stands from the urinal. The further back you stand the greater the chance for spray back in 180 degree perimeter. If you are standing beside me step up to the urinal. I should not ever step back and have it look like a light mist has sprayed my shoes.

February 12, 2014 @ 1:25 PM

Frenchguy

*Inserts foot in mouth*

Accessed via Twitter link it looks self-published. Apologies.

February 12, 2014 @ 1:27 PM

Ryan G

Hilarious Ben.

Also, maybe this is an old timey thing, but what's with dudes who stand at urinals with their hands on their hips or both up on the wall. I even saw one guy at a urinal once who was taking a piss and solving a rubik's cube at the same time.

February 12, 2014 @ 1:29 PM

Toronto Mike Verified as the defacto Toronto Mike

@Frenchguy

It's super confusing. Even I'm confused by it.

The tweet is automatic from the RSS feed for this site. I write 99.9% of the entries here, but for that 0.1% of the time it's screwy.

February 12, 2014 @ 1:30 PM

markosaar

Ugh, I worked in an office where someone was regularly just pissing all over the seats. Problem is there was only one other guy on the floor. God damned fucking asshole.

Even at my current office, which is 100% men, someone pisses on the seats. Fucking sociopaths.

February 12, 2014 @ 1:33 PM

Ben Vidal

@markosaar. Some people just want to watch the world burn.

February 12, 2014 @ 1:34 PM

Andrew

Play this hand gameā€¦ all answers as to what urinal do I use will be answered!

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/games/urinal

Cheers,
Andrew

February 12, 2014 @ 1:44 PM

Lorne

@Mike: I was wondering about your comment highlights. I refreshed the page, thinking some piece of css was stuck in cache. Nope. Kept tilting the monitor because at some viewing angles, your light blue get faded away. Glad I'm not going (more) nuts.

@Ryan: If someone is on their cell in the washroom (especially when they're on a seat), I make a deliberate point to flush as many urinals as I can. Let them explain to whoever they're talking to what the noise is. Bonus points for anyone who can take the seat next to him and let things go as noisily as possible. "OH GOD ITS LIKE A VENGEFUL VOLCANO BECAME A NINJA AND IS RIPPING MY ANUS APART FORM THE SHADOWS WITH ITS DARK DARK POO POWERS!"

February 12, 2014 @ 1:45 PM

Toronto Mike Verified as the defacto Toronto Mike

@Lorne

Unlike you guys, I comment from within the CMS. It's basically one CSS for comments and one CSS for when "commenter equals author".

Maybe I should change that for these moments...

February 12, 2014 @ 1:48 PM

Speysidephil

Definitely the funniest post ever.
Way to go RyanG.

February 12, 2014 @ 1:52 PM

Jamie

2 things that drive me insane about sharing the "executive" washroom with 3 others at my work.

#1- the gigantic pubic hair on the toilet seat and sometimes in the sink!!! For fuck sakes people trim your pubes and how the hell does it wind up in the sink?

#2- looking at the shit splatter on the side of the wall and ass chips all over the floor. WTF?????

February 12, 2014 @ 2:03 PM

Toronto Mike Verified as the defacto Toronto Mike

@Lorne

Now that I've changed the code, our previous conversation makes absolutely no sense.

February 12, 2014 @ 2:09 PM

elvis

@Mike - your blog sucks without Ryan.

February 12, 2014 @ 2:33 PM

Toronto Mike Verified as the defacto Toronto Mike

@elvis

But it has Ryan... so it doesn't suck.

February 12, 2014 @ 2:35 PM

Speysidephil

Mikes blog sucks without Argie.

February 12, 2014 @ 2:48 PM

Bottom Feder

Fuck Argie

February 12, 2014 @ 3:07 PM

this guest

divorced my last wife
after finding
some piece of css
stuck in cache

she said
they were only
friends

sorry
not relevant

February 12, 2014 @ 3:15 PM

caygeon

Another gross place is the benches in a hockey arena. Have you ever seen a cleaning staff member clean the hockey benches. Must be 30 years of horking greenies and slime on those benches.

February 12, 2014 @ 3:32 PM

Anon&on

I always flush a public toilet with my foot. I never lock a door because I don't touch the door handle inside a washroom or stall.
When I did my obligatory teenage fast-food job stint, cleaning the woman's washroom was the worst job ever. Unbelievable creativity at hiding the feminine waste products everywhere except the obvious- in the designated receptacle. Public washrooms remind me how selfish people are.

February 12, 2014 @ 6:28 PM

Lorne

@Mike: Conversations with me don't make any sense in ANY context.

February 12, 2014 @ 10:01 PM

Rick C in Oakville

Absolutely hilarious post Ryan G. I think Ryan G is Mike's true alter ego, allowing him to write what really is on his mind without sullying the Toronto Mike brand.
The ones that don't flush their messes, leaving you to do the ceremonial flush for them. Or they don't do the necessary 2nd flush when needed.
My son had to clean the public washrooms at the grocery store he worked in as a teenager, it gave him some insight into what some disgusting filthy pigs humans are when they aren't having to maintain the space.

February 13, 2014 @ 5:37 AM

Roshan

Lol, loved reading these.
I got two - both at two different companies but similar work setup

1. Small bathroom means less space. Do not crowd in a group of 3 to 4 next to the door and chat with each other. I will swing the door open with force and hit you, so you learn a lesson and stop doing it.

2. The moment you step in to the restrooms it isn't necessary for you to start singing. No, you don't sound great and it is highly unlikely that a record producer is going to be using our bathroom facilities and will sign you on the spot after hearing you sing!

February 13, 2014 @ 6:43 AM

Rick C in Oakville

@Roshan: I would add that all washrooms either have piped in music or higher than normal volume ventilation systems to drown out the singing/whistling, and other nasty noises. Silence in a washroom can make you have some performance issues.

February 13, 2014 @ 6:57 AM

John E

Do the best you can to save your farts for while at the urinal...It's just funny.

February 13, 2014 @ 5:00 PM

Liz

@Ryan G

Well-done! I laughed and cringed - you captured the essence of the whole work restroom scene. So much of what happens in there is a head-shaker.

I travel/work a lot in the US - and have the opinion that women there are far more hygienic than broads here. There are too many fakers here - pretending to wash but instead just waving the wiping hand under the tap in a cursory manner. Friggin' animals. I usually point out where the soap is and ask if they need help. Shamed, they'll wash like children. How were these people raised? In the US, I have yet to see a faker. If anything, they get well into the two-handed soap up. Kids, too.

How you can walk away from both a log and a tampon in the toilet is confounding to me. Imagine what their homes look like - it's a little early to throw up in my mouth.

Getting on the road for the day - have a great Friday, everyone! Those with kids in university know Reading Week is upon us so enjoy.

February 14, 2014 @ 8:54 AM

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