How Many Canadian Women Choose Not to Have Children?

BabyI'm expecting the arrival of my second nephew next week. It'll be my brother Steve's first kid. My other brother has a son who was born the exact same day as my second (and probably last) child.

We were all together last night to celebrate my oldest child's birthday, and a great debate erupted. Based on zero facts and figures, I thought the number of women who choose not to have children could be as high as 30%. Everyone thought that number was ridiculously high (although I'm told Ryan started to side with me).

Here are some assumptions I made as I argued my case:

  • There's a correlation between education and motherhood - the more education you have, the less likely you are to procreate - Canadian women are becoming more educated - more woman are earning university degrees than ever before
  • The less religious you are, the less likely you are to start a family - Canadians are becoming less religious as each year passes
  • City folk are less likely to procreate than suburban or country folk
  • The higher in the corporate hierarchy you climb, the less likely you are to mother a child - women are assuming upper management positions in companies more than ever before

All of that seemed logical to me, and 30% seemed plausible. This morning I did a little Googling and I found this New York Times article entitled More American women choose not to have children.

American women are waiting longer to have children, and more than ever are choosing not to have children at all, according to a report by the U.S. Census Bureau.

Twenty percent of American women from the ages of 40 to 44 have no children, double the level of 30 years ago, the report says, and women in that age bracket who do have children have fewer than ever - an average of 1.9, compared with the median of 3.1 in 1976.

The article went on to say that Hispanic women in the US were bucking the trend. Considering Canada doesn't have the same Hispanic women populous, and per-capita Canadians are more educated, my 30% might not be that ridiculous.

How many Canadian women choose not to have children? If you're a woman who chose not to have kids, I'd love to hear why you made that decision.


Share this entry

Comments (52 - click here to join in!)

Anonymous

I chose not to have children for many reasons, the main one being they disgust me. I don't like it when they touch me or are even near me. (I don't mind so much when they are about 8 and over)Also most North American children are the worst behaved creatures on the planet. My children have 4 legs and tails (horses, sheep, goats, dogs, cats, etc)
Also there are to many people in this world, people should only be allowed 1 child at the most.Also I beleive potental pet owners as well as parents should require some sort of liscence. There are too many unfit parents/owners out there.
By the way I am not a crazy PETA person I hate PETA, I eat meat. I just don't like people much because of how they treat our planet.

January 24, 2010 @ 11:21 AM

Toronto Mike Verified as the defacto Toronto Mike

Thanks Anonymous.

I should point out that this is an instance where it's perfectly fine to leave your entry unsigned or you can always use a fake name.

Childless women by choice - I want to hear from you!

January 24, 2010 @ 11:24 AM

M

I do not want children because it's never been something that I've had to do or wanted to do. I've worked hard to create a career and lifestyle that I am extremely happy with, and this career and lifestyle is not conducive to the heavy burdens of raising children. I prefer children that I can give back at the end of the day.

It's unfortunate that procreating is such a huge societal expectation, because the sheer ignorance that is often displayed towards women who are child-free by choice is astounding. I've been called everything from selfish to ignorant, an "unnatural woman", "you have nothing to live for", "you're wasting your life by not having children", delusional, insane... the list goes on. Apparently by making a choice that does not fit into the whole societal "norm" that everyone marries then has children, I opened myself to being belittled and mocked. Like jumping off the proverbial bridge, raising children is not something that people should do just because everyone else is doing it.

It can be very frustrating to be child-free by choice in a world where procreating is expected. However, that frustration is rare for me. I am secure in my choice... because it's best for me.

January 24, 2010 @ 11:38 AM

metricjulie

I may only be 25, so my biological clock hasn't begun to go bezerk yet, but I've never had that urge to have children. I used to look around me and feel like I was alone in not wanting children (yet), but the older I get and the more urban I become, the more I see women who are on the fence.

One of my roommates just passed the bar exam; children and family and even a relationship are the furthest things from her mind. Another is a marine biologist who spends 4 months up north every year. No one in this house aspires to becoming a housewife or stay-at-home mom, or even a working mom.

I don't know if it's a Montreal thing, an urban thing or a generational thing, but it seems more and more women are branching out and seeing they can do what they want now. If they want to be a mom, they can be a mom; if they want to travel the world, they can; and if they want a career, they can have it.

We are incredibly lucky to have the right to do what we want now; we need to challenge ourselves and do exactly what we want, no matter what it is.

January 24, 2010 @ 11:40 AM

metricjulie

i just realized there is no point to my long post.

the point is: there's too much i want to do and accomplish in life, and i'm just too selfish right now to consider slowing myself down and holding myself back with the responsibility of having children.

January 24, 2010 @ 11:46 AM

Babs

I'm pushing 33 and I don't have kids. I don't want them either. I have yet to settle down and get married, and right now, I don't see how I could afford a child, even if I did have one.

With me, I have a lot going on, and a lot of running around and traveling to do right now. I'm having a lot of fun right now, and I think having a child would hinder that a lot.

I remember sitting down and weighing the pros and cons of having a child. In the end, the only good reason was to carry on the family name, and have someone to take care of me in my old age. :P Second up to that was societal pressure.

If those were the best reasons I could think of to have children, I'm glad I thought against it. I may have kids in the future, but certainly not right now.

January 24, 2010 @ 12:19 PM

Just call me childless!

On the male side of things, I don't want kids, either. Among other reasons: why would anyone want to bring kids into this f*cked up world?

I downright refuse to date anyone who has - or wants - kids.

January 24, 2010 @ 12:44 PM

twins from bolton

Anonymous, I guess you were disgusting as a child & a child you still are. It's everyone's option to have kids but what irritates me is that it's those who DON'T have kids always tell us how to bring them up with advice. I see & hear it constantly as you "dinks - double income no kids" haven't got a clue.

It's your choice but I & my wife chose to have kids - 18 year old twins now. As you get older you may have to turn to someone in immediate family & if spouse has passed away??

I was fortunate to have my KIDS there for me when my Mom passed away for support.

I'd guess that most who don't want to have children are "only kids" in family with no other siblings & have had everything they ever wanted given to them by Mom & Dad.

Unfortunately as you get older you may need support from family & you have none.
Do you live to work or work to live????? A good position in a workplace - may be fine now but you are always closer to the door.

I work to live & support my family & remember you cannot take your $$$ with you. Who will you pass onto??

I really feel sorry for those couples who want children & can't. Person I work with has adopted 2 Vietnamese kids last 4 years as he & wife couldn't have children. God Bless His family.

January 24, 2010 @ 1:41 PM

LusciousTastyMe

Many unattractive women fill the family void with a career. Childlessness was therefore a choice made for them by others.

January 24, 2010 @ 1:57 PM

Ryan

Mike, I was not only on your side but the reason we had the conversation was because I was telling Mom that i know many women who don't want kids and your wife was quick to jump with Mom saying that was extremely abnormal.

I for one think that there are more than 30% of woman who choose not to have kids or "have kids because they believe they are supposed to".

There is no way we could ever get a real stat for that but I have seen mothers with no maternal instinct whatsoever and usually not so good for the kid's welfare.

The females who have no maternal instincts and choose not to procreate may be the bravest of them all, because it's the right call and they should never be judged.

January 24, 2010 @ 2:32 PM

metricjulie

I suppose someone with the pseudonym "LusciousTastyMe" WOULD say that choosing not to have children is for unattractive people.

I sure wish unintelligent people wouldn't have kids either.

January 24, 2010 @ 3:25 PM

Sarah

I am childless by choice for a number of reasons.
Unlike some of the others who have commented, I absolutely adore children though. I am a teacher and I spend all day every day with children and I would not change that for all the money in the world. I have never for even one second ever wanted to do anything else as a career and children bring me endless joy. I feel like if I had children of my own, my work as a teacher would suffer - as much as I love spending my days with children, I also appreciate that at the end of the afternoon, they go home with someone else. I feel like I could not do what I do all day and come home to kids at night - I would fail at one of the 2 jobs and failing at being a parent is not an option and teaching is the only thing I have ever wanted to do with my life.
I am also somewhat selfish, when I want it to be quiet at home, I want it to be quiet. When I want to go out, I want to go out and not have to worry about arranging care for a child.
I have felt judged by many people and I feel like it's a personal choice and no one has the right to judge me for it. It's not like I'm telling other people they shouldn't have kids - I'm saying I am not having kids.

January 24, 2010 @ 3:38 PM

Sebastyne

30% doesn't sound unrealistic to me either. USA is the cradle of breeding, the attitude in USA is still very traditional compared to a lot of other countries, including Canada, I would assume. (I'm Finnish expat in Australia.) Although I haven't made any effort myself to only make friends with childfee folk, I have found that there is a very few women amongst my friends that want or have children (both in Australia and Finland).

What is also interesting, is that a study shows, that 10% of Americans (male and female alike) who had children, regretted having them. 10%! On the contrary to popular belief, childfree people virtually never went on to regret not having any.

I believe being childless by choice is very similar thing as being gay or straight. You just ARE that way. The thought, although I like children, of having a child feels repulsive to me, equally so as the thought of having sex with another female. It's just not me. Added to that, there are a LOT of logical reasons for not having children, but very few LOGICAL reasons to have them. That is not to say I would want to persuade people from not having children, just that the decision is rarely one made based on sound logic. (And it shouldn't be either, it's not that sort of a decision.)

January 24, 2010 @ 6:39 PM

andrew

Sebastyne & Anonymous:

Having a child is repulsive & disgusting???
You BOTH are missing something that will benefit in future - Grandpa & Grandma.

Thank God my Mom & Dad had me & I thank them for that. I can't wait to get get married & have kids of my own.

Good Luck when your old & no one immediate family to turn to if need help!!

January 24, 2010 @ 7:51 PM

Satya

I've made the choice not to breed for a number of reasons [when I re-read this it sounds judgemental. It's not meant that way. You asked and it's my honest answer]:

1. It is not my path. Clearly.
2. Politcally, there are far too many children in the world who need parents. They should have homes before we create more children. People want to combine their DNA and have a biological connection to their children, as well as a beautiful "symbol" of their love with another and that would be great if we could get the rest of them cared for first.
3. Environmentally, there's no room on the planet for any more. We're running low on food and potable water and the environmental impact of all the diapers, laundry, and crappy plastic toys is indefensible. Let's feed the ones we have and clean up the mess from the ones already born.
4. Ethically, parenthood is not to be entered into lightly. These are human beings that are going to grow into adults. If they weren't raised with patience, love, and guidance, they will continue to cycle into more selfishness, pain, and destruction as they enter into relationships with others. It's really easy to mess up a kid, who will go on making hurtful choices because as a society we're normalizing that (by not giving children proper guidance and attention).
5. I have chosen to spend my time impacting as many people as possible in a peaceful way (I'm a statistic in my childlessness, with my graduate degree and role as business owner). I could not do this work in the community and properly meet the needs of a child.
6. In my heart - please don't slam me for this feeling: I'm not imposing it upon anyone and already understand how powerfully you may disagree with this - it feels selfish to breed (just to have an image of myself and partner, to have someone obligated to care for me as I age, to have someone who will love me unconditionally, to shape a life, to right the wrongs my parents made...). Some of those needs can be met through adoption or fostering. Too many kids are dying, too many kids are parentless, too many kids already born need love and guidance.

My therapist would say I don't have children because of my traumatic childhood. You can see some echoes of that in other comments here, too. It's partly because children are triggering to survivors and partly because the trauma makes us more sensitive to big picture of child-rearing...Now that I think of it, that 30% stat matches conservative estimates of how many women were violently abused as children. Coincidence?

January 24, 2010 @ 8:53 PM

GetAGrip-ette

I choose not to have kids. That's my personal choice. I don't give a fuck what you do.

I don't need your pity. I don't need your sorrow. I don't need a therapist.

And "twins from bolton" and "andrew", you're an asshole. And if you expect us to believe you're two different people with that unique writing style, you're retarded.

Don't tell me I should want to make babies. I'll do what I please.

January 24, 2010 @ 9:13 PM

No Kids For Me!

I agree with Just call me childless!

This world is a mess. Why bring someone into a mess?

January 24, 2010 @ 9:19 PM

Roshan

Interesting thoughts & opinions here. I am 33, not married and do not have kids. I'm not sure when I see a family in my horizons but I hope that I will someday. I just have some things to take care of first. I'm not overtly fond of kids and I do believe that some people shouldn't have kids as they don't have a clue as to what it takes to raise a human being. If I never have kids of my own I don't think it's the end of the world. But I think every couple without kids of their own should try the adoption route. It can be the most rewarding thing ever. And when the world is against you and your job sucks, one of the best remedies is coming home and having your kid say 'I love you daddy or mommy'. I dunno; if it works out it will. When I was younger, I thought that I would have had a couple of kids by now but it hasn't worked out as I planned. We'll see.

January 24, 2010 @ 9:25 PM

OMG!

There sure are some nasties coming out here. I'm staying out of that part.

Mike, my comment is, are you serious about 30%? Just anecdotally, I find it unbelievable. Are 3 out of 10 of the women you know who've hit menopause childless by choice? That's sure not the case for me - maybe 3% in my case...or maybe less.

January 24, 2010 @ 11:14 PM

Rick C in Oakville

I've seen the number of professional women (university educated)I deal with in the health care sector opting for childlessness so 30% doesn't sound to far off. Not to insight a riot but it has been the most rewarding experience for my wife and I having our 2 children, had it's up's and downs but to see their successes/failures as young adults and how they deal with these issues is rewarding. For those who say there are too many kids in this world, agreed, but they just happen to be uneducated and in 3rd world countries with no chances at life as we know it. Canada is in a negative population growth situation and we can only sustain it through immigration, but a what level no one knows.

Personally I don't want to know a person who finds kids disgusting, it is almost a form of racism, we wouldn't accept a persons view on a race in the same manner.

Just remember the next generation could be the saviours of our free society that allows you to choose to be childless.

January 25, 2010 @ 5:30 AM

Not Toronto Mike's Brother Ryan

wow.
looks like TM's readership is predominantly childless.

i'm the same. my fiancee and i are enjoying our urban lifestyle way too much for offspring. we too get the "what's wrong with you why don't you have kids" thing, but we just laugh it off. someone told me i was selfish..but in fact, i find it's many people who DO have kids who are selfish. i'd say a good percentage of those folks weren't terribly interested in kids in the first place, but they succumbed to societal pressure, or pressure from their mate, or just got preggers. hopefully they'll properly raise their kid(s) but might be secretyl resenting it. fuck i'd hate to be locked into that situation.

so, i know i'm not wanting kids (not now, maybe never, i'm 41), and having one now just doesn't seem very compelling to me. many others do it only because they want someone to take them to die later in life, or pass on the name...so really, who's being selfish?

January 25, 2010 @ 10:55 AM

Chris in EY

1. World has always been a mess. We just see now that it's a mess all over the place rather than just in your own backyard.
2. People can do what they want and people who don't want kids should definitely not have them.
3. Bullshit on the world can't handle more people.
4. Most people who say they don't want kids usually have commented something to the effect of "My lifestyle doesn't allow it or I want to do what I want, when I want." Which is pretty much the definition of selfish, however "being selfish" is not against the law.
5. We're animals it's our job to procreate.
6. I have three kids. They will be children for a relatively short amount of time. I will deal with them as adults' for most of the time I have with them. I expect that to be awesome.
7. Nothing is as rewarding or frustrating as being a parent!

January 25, 2010 @ 11:45 AM

jason | getyouroj.com

My girlfriend and I are not having childen and if we did we would adopt one of the many orphans on the planet. The reason is that we are responsible global citizens not selfish wal-mart shoppers.

January 25, 2010 @ 11:54 AM

jason | getyouroj.com

@ Chris in EY

You have it backwards man, because arguably HAVING kids is way more selfish (and egotistical) than not having kids. Especially those who mooch from the gov't to raise them.

January 25, 2010 @ 11:56 AM

Chris in EY

Jason - if no one has kids who will pay for your health care, roads, OAS, CPP etc?

By your line of logic then we as a speicies are useless and to be a responsible global citizen means you and girlfirend should drink Jim Jones Kool aid.

You are right though. THere are some selfish parents out there. My intention was not to imply that there were not.

January 25, 2010 @ 12:01 PM

Romy

I like kids just fine, but deciding not to have children is a decision me and my lovely wife happily stand by. Of course, total respect for those who decide otherwise. But a thought provoking sidebar to your discussion is the propensity of couples with kids to morph painfully into people who have NOTHING ELSE they can talk about. Why does this happen? Rachel Cooke, a well known columnist in the UK, had this interesting take on the issue. As a freelance writer, it was one of those "jeez, I wish I'd written that" moments.

Here's the link:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/feb/08/motherhood-children-babies

January 25, 2010 @ 12:09 PM

Anonymous2

Someone up there felt that every couple who doesn't have children should "try" the adoption route.

You try broccoli, you don't try adoption.

My husband and I are childless by choice. I've known since I was about 12 that I would not have children and I'm so very happy that I am now at an age where people no longer tell me I'll change my mind.

It was very difficult to find a mate that also was not intrested in parenthood. I've always made it a dealbreaker with past boyfriends that if they wanted children, they were wasting their time on me. Some believed it, others didn't.

Many people have brought up the whole selfish debate. I'm in the camp that I would be selfish if I were to have a child just so I could look "normal" in society. That's what jeans and a t-short are for.

Furthermore, for those family members (oh, and I have 3 brothers. I'm not an only child who had everything handed to her on a plate, as was contemplated up there as well) who continually asked why I wasn't having kids, I finally was able to get them to shut up with a simple response - "My uterus fell out."

January 25, 2010 @ 1:34 PM

The_Voice

The question I have: Except for the first year or two (depending on preferences, and this year or two including 9 months pregnant), why is the question directed to women? From a man's perspective, I want to one day have kids, but beyond that first year, I think the expectations on sacrifices should be equal for men and women... so wouldn't kids affect men as well?

January 25, 2010 @ 3:53 PM

LEW

Romy - you are 100% correct - the couple that become completely absorbed by their children are the most annoying people in the world; with the exception of Argie and OJ and ex smokers and old people that have ponytails and finally people that wear scarves to look arty.

January 25, 2010 @ 4:48 PM

Sara

There are plenty of really valid reasons NOT to have children. I can even identify with most of them.

Maybe there are far fewer reasons TO have children. But you know what? The 20 good reasons to have children outweigh the 100 reasons not to have children, for me.

I am 26, married, and childless (for now).

Without children, you save yourself a life of responsibility, diapers, tantrums, 3 AM wake-up calls, panic, pain, rebellion, and lost freedom. You save yourself time, money, and laundry.

You don't, however (and I don't care how many dogs, cats, horses or rabbits you own), save yourself learning from your child, re-living your own childhood with your son/daughter, wonderful entertainment, reflection, cuteness, love, and getting to watch your child turn into the young woman or man you hoped they'd be.

So, everyone is entitled to their opinion.

Everyone is entitled to their soap box speech about living freely, and enjoying the finer things in life, and not having to deal with snot covered little ones - but you're not allowed to discredit the opinion of those who look forward to a life of just that.

Just my two cents.

January 25, 2010 @ 5:38 PM

Latemother.

I think both sides of the equation have merit. Human beings are selfish by nature so whatever our choices are they are about ourselves in this matter. I myself sat on the fence for years wondering what was the correct path for me. This was despite the fact I had a very willing man in my life who loves kids. I wasn't sure I would be a good mother. At 40 I took the plunge and I have never looked back. I have never felt love as intensly as I do for my little girl. Yes it is lots and lots of work and at times annoying and a bit gross. Personally I am glad I made the decision I did. I play again, I am learning again and I am seeing the world thru a whole new set of eyes. I am one of the lucky ones.

It is however a choice and if for any reason you do not want to have kids then you should not. It is a committment and responsibility that doesn't end. A personal choice that should not be questioned because if you do not want kids I am not sure how you could ever be a good parent.

January 26, 2010 @ 10:03 AM

Sebastyne

Just a curiosity, I asked the question "how many of you don't want kids" on a discussion board I run, which is mainly populated by women (out of 50 active, 2 are men of the men, the other one is a father, the other one is not). The poll result was pretty amazing... 9 said they don't want kids and only 7 said they either have kids or want to have kids. So in that light, I would say 30% isn't unrealistic at all, even though this is a VERY small take, but still.

January 26, 2010 @ 11:30 PM

J

I am the person sitting on the fence right now and have heard and felt both sides quite a bit. Most of my friends choose to have kids and maybe 20-30% choose not to have. I am unsure for now, but my husband doesn't want to have kids. I am also the type of person who sees the grass greener on the other side of the fence. Childless for now, I see the benefit from the other side. But if I change my mind, I would probably have wished I have never have done it. My sister's child is disabled and I had a horrible childhood, even though I love kids and I love to play with them....for 5 minutes. I am still deciding and my time is running out...But I know I'll make my decision and I'll be happy with the decision. So wish me luck!

March 1, 2010 @ 12:13 PM

J

I am the person sitting on the fence right now and have heard and felt both sides quite a bit. Most of my friends choose to have kids and maybe 20-30% choose not to have. I am unsure for now, but my husband doesn't want to have kids. I am also the type of person who sees the grass greener on the other side of the fence. Childless for now, I see the benefit from the other side. But if I change my mind, I would probably have wished I have never have done it. My sister's child is disabled and I had a horrible childhood, even though I love kids and I love to play with them....for 5 minutes. I am still deciding and my time is running out...But I know I'll make my decision and I'll be happy with the decision. So wish me luck!

March 1, 2010 @ 12:15 PM

NICOLE

hi i was wondering if it would be possible to bring a member of the childfree by choice society as a guest speaker to a high school in brampton

April 28, 2010 @ 2:33 PM

USAanon

I chose to not have children for several reasons, but primarily because I was afraid of being as bad at it as my own mother. I always knew that if I changed my mind I could adopt. I never did that either. My family thinks I "hate children" (I don't) and that I "couldn't have" children (as far as I know, I could have). Now, near retirement age, I have no regret about my decision. BTW, I fit the profile: well-educated and non-religious.

May 9, 2010 @ 7:39 AM

Adoptable!?

Just because you CAN physiologically procreate, doesn't mean you SHOULD.

I agree with Satya. From the age of 11/12, I knew I was not destined to give birth. However, I do intend to nurture children, but weather or not I am physically capable or not is not the issue for me. I will simply be choosing not to procreate.

I have always admired those who nurture and care for children, but there is a long legacy of adoption and child fostering in my family, and my recent work with international aid organizations has confirmed to me that adoption/foster parenting is the most unselfish way to respond to that innate human (mostly female) desire.

I have never felt the need to have a biological connection to my child/children. I believe unconditional love is just as possible with ANY child. and, I agree there are already far too many children in the world who need loving, nurturing parents in their lives. I believe we as a society need to focus our maternal/paternal drive to find homes for them before we create more.

It's true we live in a world where millions of children are living in, or just above the line of absolute poverty, and although it is important to provide access to basics like nutritious food and potable water, I believe it's just as important to provide those we can with the unconditional love of a safe, and secure family environment. This is what I believe every child in this world deserves.

August 8, 2010 @ 2:27 PM

lew

This world has too many people, if you compare the people with animal to the earth, you will find that the people will do too much harm to the earth. They cut down the trees, they let the river and lake dry to build house. For example, Haiti was covered mostly by foresters before, now the forest is gone, you can see what is ha penning there. In China, it is always in flood or drought for the water cannot be hold somewhere. You harm the earth, the earth will revenge to you.

August 13, 2010 @ 5:48 AM

stephanie

This is not such a straighforward issue, though the clear bottom line is I ultimately choose not to have children.

My mother did not want children and told us three kids that all our lives until she died, specifically stating she "certainly didn't want three!" (I was the third). I finally got old enough to demand to know why the heck she had us then. She said, with all sincerity, "I didn't know I had a choice." I believe her, and damn it I pity her too.

My mother was mentally ill, going straight from the delivery room to the psychiatric ward for severe post partum depression (suicidal) after each birth. I was unloved and I was told by her she wished I was dead throughout the years before starting kindergarten. (yes, I've had therapy, I'm okay, thanks).

I hated her until I buried her, and then there was nothing left to do be understand her, and to realize she never had peace on earth. Poor bastard. She lived a life according to what she was taunted into being as a woman and it stole any opportunity she had to be the PERSON she was meant to be, and it stole more from me than I can list here.

So, I was not readily accepting of my own natural instincts to NOT have children also. Half of me wants them, but half of me doesn't. After many talks with my mother I agree with her on the points that much of what young children do is NOT charming. And it is not true that we automatically adore our children. There are many children I cannot stand. And many that I find an absolute delight and crave to have children just like them. But there's the luck of the draw, you know, and I am not willing to chance ending up with a child - like my mother did - that I feel endlessly antagonistic toward.

I did raise children, I should say. Two stepchildren from the ages of 4 and 6, the 6yr old being severely brain damaged, autistic, and violent, and yet she became my dearest most beloved daughter to me, not stepdaugther, by the time she died many years later. She was outrageous every minute of the day! And yet she was infinitely easier to deal with than her younger meaner quite endlessly bitter sister because she was never ill in intent whereas the younger was ALWAYS of ill intent.

I am 41 now and the therapist helping me through the profound grief of my daughter's death keeps going on about my being sure-for-sure about not wanting children. I do want a child, but not enough to go ahead and do it. I have bipolar II which does not present with mania but regular bouts of extended deep depression that makes getting on with life very tough. I could keep going for my daughter because I adored her so very deeply, but if I had a child I cherished any less than that, the results would be devastating.

My mother's abuse was a tragedy borne of ignorance and imposed silence. End the silence, end much of the child abuse in the world. I learned from her, the hardest way, but I learned.

September 15, 2010 @ 10:37 PM

Alexa

I'm still young at that, but I do not picture myself as a mother. I believe I have little to no maternal extincts. Maybe as I get older those instincts will kick in, but for now I would like to focus on completing my education and establishing my career. I don't believe I will NEVER have children. If I do, I am definetly going to be adopting. Physically having a child and carrying something in me for nine months does not appeal to me. I would rather be a parent to a child that needs it through adoption), or being a foster parent would be nice too. But that would be in my mid-30s. I like kids. It all just depends on my attitude in the future. If I feel that I don't want children, I won't have any. But if I feel that I do, I'm going to adopt.

March 5, 2011 @ 9:24 PM

PB

I am 42 and childess. I am attractive, smart,nice and normal --- but I guess I am a little too tall, a little too educated, a little too successful, and a little too accomplished. Hence, I am single despite having wanted a family for a long time. So, I'm doing it on my own via sperm donor. Men are already becoming less educated and less successful in the workplace. Do they really want to become completely irrelevant? You gotta step it up guys. We are finding ways to live without you.

April 18, 2011 @ 9:36 PM

ricarfi

Canadian women are crazy they only are good cleaning asses of black men, by the way that is because canadian are gays

February 5, 2012 @ 9:43 PM

Carmen

I never wanted children because I do not like kids and I would have been the world worst mom. May I say I am a black woman

March 8, 2013 @ 11:42 AM

tabi

Ricarfi, you are an ignorant fuck. I dunno where you live, but your obviously an idiot, there are so few black people in Canada. I can guess your black yourself since it implies you think your worthy of having your ass cleaned. Your mother is a prime example of why some women shouldn't have children. She obviously didn't raise you to be capable of critical thinking. Your comment is simply racist completely unrelated, homophobic and gender hailing. Since you hate women so much I suppose you also might be gay. And since you avoided mentioning if you are childless or not you obviously are. Poor ignorant fool. Bet you lead a miserable meaning less life in more ways than one. 24 childless by choice great grandma 16, grandma 18 put mother up for adoption, mother 20 Ruined all women's lives forcing then into poetry and To live with abusive controlling males none can afford a house. Just starting to flourish in their careers at 44, 62. No thanks. If I decide to have kids later awesome if not great, if I run out of time and adopt oh well. 24 debt free, career a go, have pets and living life how I like, have retirement savings and health n dental benefits. Set for life. I don't need to have children to truly on when I'm old cuz the 100 s of thousands I save in T
Turn will make up for it. And I already raised my brother n sister who are 7,9 years younger than me I've done my share. Thanks

April 17, 2014 @ 2:39 AM

Jane

Hi everyone!

Special hullo to ":usciousTastyme" great name! LOL, maybe a tiny bit self-derived -- anyway -- I love children but have never wanted my own -- ever. My sister and I talked about it at the age of six and every year thereafter. She always said she would have children and I always said I would not. She has three, by choice. I have none, exactly the number I want: none. Why would you bring someone into this mess of suffering, illness, crime, lying and dying? Why? It makes zero sense to me. Once you land here, I'll do everything in my heart and in my power to help you and help hold all good souls, but bring one here? Noooo way. I thank God every day that I do not have children. I'm just made that way. Also, Luscioustastyme-me-me -- just fyi, I did a fair amount of acting etc. on TV -- not auditioning either. I was asked because gasp, a child-free woman was (at least seen as) attractive. And I have a wondeful partner. Some women are just made this way. Old souls? Who knows. It's best that those who want children are the ones to have them. I think it would be selfish and stupid to have children if you didn't want to. I think men have a bigger issue with this than women because for them it is not a singular choice to have children; they need a partner for that, although I think they are unconcious of this and project the desire on women. Maybe that's where judgement comes in. Not sure. Best to all, tks for posting :)

November 2, 2014 @ 7:19 PM

Boogie

I study martial arts. At some point in your progression as a student, you will have to teach those junior to you, especially if you want to cultivate good training partners. You cannot train without good training partners; NO MAN IS AN ISLAND. Eventually, you will also have to lead classes (filling in for the teacher) way before you are ever 'mastered'. In fact, if you're a true student, you will crave teaching opportunities like these because that is when you learn the most... when you have to communicate concepts and guide someone junior to you. You make it your business to be a student and teacher at the same time... to death. Everything else in life is just to support this concept. This is art... you are creating yourself and creating others. Without art... what is the point of anything.

The above is why I would like to raise children... to discover and learn with them; My children will teach me, and vice-versa.

Everything else is just distractions, cravings, lazyness, etc and lots of stupid minor problems to be solved. Most of which are solved by changing perception.

May 14, 2016 @ 8:50 AM

Stinger

Communism, capitalism - 2 types of similar slaveries. Idea is the same - you must work from sunrise to sunset and you must stay poor. Money is the tool to control you. Fuck this. Live creatures breed only in optimal conditions.
All people must be together. Must be no borders - only jurisdictions. Government must be only one. No weapons and no money. All people must put all force for creation of robots who would replace them everywhere. This way, you gonna live your life for yourself.
And a start for this is very simple- stop lying. You don't want to take that coarse at University. You don't want to challenge a career as a... . You all do this just to be financially independent. INDEPENDENT!!! I.e. to live for yourself. You lying to each other and to yourself, so that's why this world is so cruel.

March 15, 2017 @ 10:33 PM

Maureen

Hi everyone my husband and I we are creating a Facebook gruop for Toronto people Married without kids, social and fun! Nothing kinky! Please feel presentó join!

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1613005378729425/

March 21, 2017 @ 7:31 PM

Laura

WOWWWW a lot of haters.

I've seen some statements/questions made that I receive all the time and I will answer some of them without insult.

I'm 33, living with my male partner and I have known that I didn't want children from the age of 19. I think you are absolutely right Mike in saying education and religion play large factors. I am a highly educated, Atheist woman with a great career and have been fully self sufficient my entire life. I come from a very warm, loving family and we are very close, but I just don't want a family for myself. I don't want the hassle. I like sleeping in, I like traveling the world, I like being able to pick up and leave whenever I want and can train to my hearts content (Martial Arts & Weights).
I don't want to have to deal with: crying, whining, constantly arguing (just to brush teeth or go to bed), teachers, other kids, other parents, schools, financial burdens, lack of time etc...
Regarding retirement/old age: I have many friends and extended family, lots of nieces and nephews and I'm not worried about being "lonely".

I have nothing against anyone having children. It is your life, you do with it as you please just like I will. I personally think everyone should be allowed to do whatever they want as long as it doesn't negatively impact other people.

March 29, 2017 @ 2:53 PM

twins from bolton

@ Laura

Your decision I respect that. I lived with my now wife for 5 years before we got married as we were early 20's. Wanted children as we both came from families of 4 & 5 kids each.
Any couple who have children do sacrifice their livelihood for a long while, expenses, culture change, education & especially Dad & Mom interaction during their childhood. Having our kids made us both a LOT STRONGER in our relationship & fortunately we now have 25 yr. olds on their own & 1 with 2 of my grandchildren (married 4 years ago).
Your comments about your life is all about YOU. You have many friends & extended family in your later years. They probably have their own situations to worry about than yours as you get older.

Hopefully you have a will.


March 29, 2017 @ 7:49 PM

Jody Thornton

@twins

But see, exactly what you just said, is what people like Laura are trying to avoid hearing, because what you said, in an underlying way, is judgmental. You say you respect her decision, but go on to say her choice is all about her. You could have said that having children made you and your marriage stronger, and left it at that, but you didn't.

Truth is, Laura's not making demands of her friends and extended family for later in life. Everyone tries to be there for each other when they need someone; that's just common sense. Laura is saying that she's not having kids to just fill that void. To me, that would be a selfish motivation: so good for Laura.

People criticize when other people say things form the perspective of themselves, but think about it. What does the world even mean, if you're not here to see it or consume it? I understand that you were hinting at Laura being selfish, but there is nothing wrong with enjoying personal satisfaction, as well as giving to others.

March 30, 2017 @ 7:56 AM

Tiffany

I am 38, and have thus far never found myself in a relationship situation where children could enter into the equation. I never said to myself outright in my younger years, "I don't want kids" but I was always very clear in my heart of hearts that if I didn't have any, I'd be ok. I've always been a bit different - relationships don't come easy. I did find love, possibly the love of my life, but it didn't work out. I know the power of love, and of wanting to bear the child of the man you love- however, I can see now that I've recovered from the terrible heartbreak of a separation, how devastating it might have been to bring kids into an unstable relationship. There's always the future. Of course, it is still possible for me, and I won't rule it out, but whenever I think about being in my 40s and beyond, hopefully in a stable marriage, without kids, I get a little thrill. I have mourned turning 30 and not having kids, turning 35, and now, I'm almost 39, and still, no kids on the horizon, but when I talk to other women say, who can't have kids or are a bit older and looking into in vitro or adoption, and so on, I think " No way in hell I'd do any of that!" I see a fundamental different between me and these women who are willing to risk life and limb and drain their savings and then some just for the chance - I am not, and I'm fine with it. I sometimes jokingly think to myself that I was born Buddhist- I take what life gives me, take hints from the universe about which direction to go in. This is not to say I don't have measurable goals or strive toward achieving them, but "having a child" has never been one of my goals. I would and could have one. I would not have an abortion if I found myself pregnant, I would go forth and enter motherhood with my whole heart, even without a partner.
I know women who have sacrificed love to have a child, women who do not love their spouse, but rather respect him, are willing to tolerate having him as a life partner, as the father of their children, and do not regret their decision. I also know the opposite. I have no problem with either and I do not criticize these women or tell them they've made the biggest mistake of their lives - nothing like that! I think we all have an intuitive sense of what we are willing to sacrifice, where we are willing to bend. We really cannot have it all. I know parents out there, women (and men) out there, who did not know what love was, and had to learn what it was by having a child. I would not bear the child of a man I did not love, and I take responsibility for that. It makes me sick to think of it. No way, and no how. I was and still am willing to sacrifice being a mother to avoid it. That doesn't mean I think it's ideal.
The most predominant thing that I feel at this point is how hard it is to be "different", and to be looked at as incomplete (by some), or as someone to be pitied.
I am very fulfilled as an aunt (my sister's). I have two small people in my life whom I help to raise in many important ways, and they bring me endless joy. But never, while holding either of them, do I think "if only I had one." People have remarked at how good I am with kids since I was very young myself, and even my mother has remarked that when I was a baby, she didn't know what to do for a good six months, but could see that handling babies and children came very naturally to me.
A couple more deets-
I'm very educated and, though not religious per se, quite spiritually minded.
I don't believe that the "earth is messed up and overcrowded as it is" argument for not having kids is a very good one, for reasons I won't get into here, but my reasons reflect my political beliefs and my own personal code of ethics. That would never be what stopped me, but I found the argument intriguing and influential as a teenager.
It definitely annoys me when parents tell how much it has enriched THEIR life. I know it may not be the same thing, but I have had my life endlessly enriched in many ways that I don't necessarily expect would be the same for everyone- for instance, by getting a solid education, having a nice job, eating well and exercising a lot and maintaining my health and a very fit body, travelling the world, having my sister as a best friend, and being an amazing aunt (an aunt like I never had myself!). That is MY story, and I don't expect it to be anyone else's.

May 28, 2017 @ 1:01 AM

Leave a comment


Only 52 comments? C'mon, we can do better... Leave a comment above and let's keep this conversation going!


« Maple Leafs 0, Panthers 2 Fantastic Advice Everyone Should Follow »