Toronto Mike

White People Like Camping


Stuff White People Like has done it again.  Just like they did with The Wire, they've nailed camping.

If you find yourself trapped in the middle of the woods without  electricity, running water, or a car you would likely describe that  situation as a “nightmare” or “a worse case scenario like after plane  crash or something.” White people refer to it as “camping.”
When white people begin talking to you about camping they will do  their best to tell you that it’s very easy and it allows them to escape  the pressures and troubles of the urban lifestyle for a more natural,  simplified, relaxing time. Nothing could be further from the truth.
In theory camping should be a very inexpensive activity since you  are literally sleeping on the ground. But as with everything in white  culture, the more simple it appears the more expensive it actually is.
Camping is a multi-day, multi-step, potentially lethal activity that  will cost you a large amount of both time and money. Unless you are in  some sort of position where you absolutely need the friendship of a  white person, you should avoid camping at all costs.
The first stage of camping always involves a trip to an outdoor  equipment store like REI (or in Canada, Mountain Equipment Co-Op).  These stores are well known for their abundance of white customers and  their extensive inventory of things for white people to buy and only  use once. If you are ever tricked into going to one of these stores,  you can make white people like you by saying things like “man, this  Kayak is only $1200, if I use it 35 times I’ve already saved money over  renting.” Note: do not actually buy the kayak.
Next, white people will then take this new equipment and load it  into an SUV or Subaru Outback with a Thule or Yakima Roof Rack. Then  they will drive for an extended period of time to a national park or  campsite where they will pay an entrance fee and begin their journey.  It is worth noting that white people are unaware of the irony of using  a gas burning car to bring them closer to nature and it is not  recommended that you point this out. It will ruin their weekend.
Once in the camp area, white people will walk around for a while,  set up a tent, have a horrible night of sleep, walk around some more.  Then get in the car and go home. This, of course, is a best case  scenario. Worst case scenarios include: getting lost, poisoned, killed  by an animal, and encountering an RV. Of these outcomes, the latter is  seen by white people as the worst since it involves an encounter with  the wrong kind of white people.
Conversely, any camping trip that ends in death at the hands of  nature or requires the use of valuable government resources for a  rescue is seen as relatively positive in white culture. This is because  both situations might eventually lead to a book deal or documentary  film about the experience.
Ultimately the best way to escape a camping trip with white people  is to say that you have allergies. Since white people and their  children are allergic to almost everything, they will understand and  ask no further questions. You should not say something like “looking at  history, the instances of my people encountering white people in the  woods have not worked out very well for us.”

To be fair, I don't own a $1200 kayak, and even before Canadian Tire provided me with new camping essentials, I had camping down to a very inexpensive art.  For me, that's only part of the allure.  Once I'm out there, with my tent pitched and laptop three hours away, I can literally hear myself decompress.  It's plenty of hikes, lots of swimming and hours and hours of playing cards, throwing a frisbee and roasting marshmallows on the campfire.

It really is my holiday of choice, but then again, I'm white.

Camping in Canada
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