Toronto Mike

Nine Movie Reboots Nobody Wants

Nothing makes the average  moviegoer angrier than the phrase ‘reboot.’ Remaking classic films for a new  audience is one of the easiest ways to divide fans between “let’s give it a  chance,” and “let’s make sure we destroy every copy.” In reality, there are only  really two possible reasons why a movie should be rebooted: 1) The original  failed to deliver on what was a good idea 2) There are more stories to tell  that the original omitted.

These rules tend to get ignored, with movie companies instead electing to  reboot franchises that don’t need it and remaking movies which already hit the  spot.

 Remember the 1995 version of Jumanji? Of course you do, it was terrific. Robin Williams gets  trapped in a board game for a quarter of a century before a young Kirsten Dunst  and Bradley Pierce come to save the day. It was wonderful and one of the most  memorable performances of Williams’ career.


Now, the movie remake is set for release later this year with a star-studded  cast set to be trapped inside of a video game instead. ‘Kids these days only  play video games,’ was probably the thinking behind it but the movie executives  probably aren’t aware of the fact that board game sales have never been higher.

The Birds
 If 2009’s The Lodger,  2007’s Disturbia and 1998’s Psycho are anything to go by, it’s clear  that remakes of Alfred Hitchcock films are great and everyone should definitely  do them. Not really, of course, but that doesn’t seem to matter anymore. 1963  horror classic, The Birds is set for  a remake as a BBC television series with producer David Heyman at the helm.


Everyone’s favourite giant red-horned Nazi demon enjoyed mainstream success  with the 2004 movie, Hellboy.  Director Guillermo del Toro and star Ron Pearlman achieved similar success in  the 2008 sequel and plans for a third outing were constantly teased but they  never materialised.
 Despite the second film being released nearly ten years  ago, it’s clear that the people still want more Hellboy. Big Red is the  featured on t-shirts, Pop Vinyls, he even has an online slots games full of comic book graphics and an edgy soundtrack,.  Earlier this year it was announced that the franchise would be rebooted with a  new director and star. We want more Hellboy but not like this. Not like this at  all.

 This film does need to be remade for so many reasons. Memento is the story of a man searching  for the person who killed his wife, while suffering from severe short-term  memory loss. It was director Christopher Nolan’s second feature length and the  movie which really kick-started his career.


It was about as good as it could have been and was released just 17 years ago  but it is still in line for a reboot. Who even still owns a Polaroid camera?

Battle Royale
 Battle Royale is the story of a class of  Japanese ninth-graders who are forced by their government to fight to the  death. It’s bloody, brutal and did exactly what it wanted to do. It’s the  latest in a long line of great foreign films to be getting a remake for a  ‘Western audience.’
 It’s doubtful whether a remake could either capture the  tone of the original or be anywhere near as gruesome with Hollywood’s strict  rules on classification. If Western audiences want a gory film where a group of  ninth-graders kill each other they should just watch Battle Royale (2000).

 I mean, come on. Why on earth would anyone think a remake  of Scarface would be a good idea? Why  stop there? Let’s remake Goodfellas with Channing Tatum or Godfather Part II with Owen Wilson as a young Vito Corleone. The original is a classic. Be  inspired by it when you commission new ideas. With a slot already in IMDB, it is inevitable that a remake is on its  way.

Police Academy
 Yes, because the world needs more Police Academy movies. The seventh instalment in the series  recouped a little over 1% of its budget at the box office which only means one thing: time for a reboot.
 The story of a ragtag group of oddities applying for jobs  in the police force has kind of been done to death right now and in this world  where trust in the police is lower than it’s been in decades, maybe now isn’t  the right time.

The Naked Gun
 Again, what is the point? The Naked Gun was the story of a bumbling police detective, Frank  Drebin attempting to foil an attempted assassination on Queen Elizabeth II. It  may not be quite as good as Leslie Nielsen’s other cult comedy classic, Airplane, but it still produces laughs  thirty years on.


Ed Helms was due to play the lead in both this and the remake of another comedy  classic, Vacation. The 2015 remake of  the latter was poorly received and as a result, plans for the former were  somewhat shelved. Maybe Hollywood has learnt its lesson or much more likely,  this list of unwanted remakes will be getting its own reboot in a few years.

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