Toronto Mike

Homer Simpson Quotes | The Best Quotes from Homer Jay Simpson

"Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!"

Previous Quotes

"Marge, are we Jewish?" - February 2, 2008

"Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything." - January 26, 2008

"I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go, I'll just say Yes!" - January 19, 2008

"I'll teach you to laugh at something that's funny!" - January 12, 2008

"I dunno what to tell you, Marge! I don't think about things. I mean, I respect those who do, but... I just try and make the day not hurt until I can crawl back in with you." - January 5, 2008

"I'll make sure you Christian Fundamentalists control everything by the 21st century!" - December 29, 2007

"We have a great life here in Alaska, and we're never going back to America again!" - December 22, 2007

"A gun is not a weapon! It's a tool, like a butcher's knife, or a harpoon, or an alligator." - December 15, 2007

"I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four." - December 8, 2007

"In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane." - December 1, 2007

"What's keeping Joan Rivers alive?" - November 24, 2007

"I'm not a genius, or are I?" - November 17, 2007

"If God didn't want us to eat cows, why are they made out of meat?" - November 10, 2007

"It's about time trees were good for something, instead of just standing there like jerks!" - November 3, 2007

"I hope he tells us to burn our pants, these things are driving me nuts." - October 27, 2007

"Don't you think you're overreacting, talking gum-ball machine?" - October 20, 2007

"God can't be everywhere, right?" - October 13, 2007

"Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing." - October 6, 2007

"I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world." - September 29, 2007

"And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker." - September 22, 2007

"Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk." - September 15, 2007

"He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?!" - September 8, 2007

"You don't win friends with salad." - September 1, 2007

"Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!" - August 25, 2007

"A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 makes ice." - August 18, 2007

"You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity." - August 11, 2007

"Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird," and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin...but what good does that do me?" - August 4, 2007

"Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs." - July 28, 2007

"Save me, Jeebus." - July 21, 2007

"Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman." - July 14, 2007

"First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women." - July 7, 2007

"I don't want to go out like Elmo; hanging himself in his cell." - June 30, 2007

"Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it." - June 23, 2007

"How could you do this to me, Moe?! This bar was going under and it was my drink that saved it! If there was any justice, my face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise!" - June 16, 2007

"Once you go Vatican, you never go back again." - June 9, 2007

"I don't miss a thing. Whoa! We have a kitchen?!" - June 2, 2007

"There's so much I don't know about astrophysics! I wish I read that book by "that wheelchair guy"." - May 26, 2007

"It is better to watch people do stuff than to do stuff." - May 19, 2007

"It's not whether you win or lose. It's how drunk you get." - May 12, 2007

"Extended warranty? How could I lose?" - May 5, 2007

"The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!" - April 28, 2007

"I can't believe that someone I've never heard of wants to hang out with a guy like me." - April 21, 2007

"Oh, those jazz guys are just making that stuff up!" - April 14, 2007

"Stealing? How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name?" - April 7, 2007

"My back yard makes my front yard look like an idiot." - March 31, 2007

"Aw, twenty dollars!? I wanted a peanut." - March 24, 2007

"Why you, you cancelled Platypus Man!" - March 17, 2007

"Son, your mother makes a very loud point." - March 10, 2007

"Okay Marge, its your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore." - March 3, 2007

"The strong must protect the sweet." - February 24, 2007

"Marge, why are you crying? You're not in any physical pain, the only pain a man can understand." - February 17, 2007

"Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?" - February 10, 2007

"How ironic. Now he's blind, after a life of being able to see." - February 3, 2007

"Always remember that you're representing your country. I guess what I'm saying is, don't mess up France the way you messed up your room." - January 27, 2007

"Marge, when I join an underground cult I expect a little support from my family." - January 20, 2007

"Ah, the Luftwaffe. The Washington Generals of the History Channel." - January 13, 2007

"Marge, I agree with you - in theory. In theory, Communism works. In theory." - January 6, 2007

"We're goin bowling. If we don't come back, avenge our deaths." - December 30, 2006

"I bet Einstein turned himself into all sorts of colours before he invented the light bulb." - December 23, 2006

"Stupid TV! Be more funny!" - December 16, 2006

"Well, it's 1am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids." - December 9, 2006

"I'm going to act how America acts best... unilaterally!" - December 2, 2006

""Distracted". Now that's a funny word. Does anyone ever get "tracted"? I'll call the suicide hotline and find out." - November 25, 2006

"You're not the only one who can abuse a non-profit organization." - November 18, 2006

"Lousy traumatic childhood." - November 11, 2006

"Marge, it's 3am. Shouldn't you be baking?" - November 4, 2006

"When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong! And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!" - October 28, 2006

"Check and mate. Now king me!" - October 21, 2006

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night!" - October 14, 2006

"Mmmmmm, 64 slices of American cheese." - October 7, 2006

"Purple is a fruit." - September 30, 2006

"Uh, we're having a discussion about gay witches for abortion. You wouldn't be interested." - September 23, 2006

"You know me, Marge: I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming." - September 16, 2006

"I didn't need that fact... now I forgot who won Bud Bowl 8." - September 9, 2006

"You can't spell "dishonorable" without "honorable"." - September 2, 2006

"Rock stars, is there anything they don't know?" - August 26, 2006

"I'll get out of this city alive, even if it kills me!" - August 19, 2006

"Do I know what rhetorical means?" - August 12, 2006

"Boy, everyone is stupid except me." - August 5, 2006

"Good bye, Lisa. Remember me as I am: Filled with murderous rage!" - July 28, 2006

"Good things don't end in -eum; they end in -mania or -teria." - July 21, 2006

"Did you know that in Massachusetts it's legal to marry your son?" - July 14, 2006

"Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?" - July 8, 2006

"I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill." - July 1, 2006

"Internet! Is that thing still around?" - June 24, 2006

"As long as he has eight fingers and eight toes, he's my son." - June 17, 2006

"Oh Maude, the human wang is a beautiful thing." - June 10, 2006

"You can't keep blaming yourself, Marge. Just blame yourself once and get on with life." - June 3, 2006

"I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!" - May 27, 2006

"Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday? I mean, isn't God everywhere?" - May 20, 2006

"Apu, you got any Skittle Brau? Never mind, just give me some Duff and a pack of Skittles." - May 13, 2006

"Back, you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me... and maybe the boy!" - May 6, 2006

"I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!" - April 29, 2006

"We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays!" - April 22, 2006

"If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English." - April 15, 2006

"You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button." - April 8, 2006

"Canada? Why would I want to leave America just to visit America, Jr.?" - April 1, 2006

"You're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!" - March 25, 2006

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda." - March 18, 2006

"I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket and flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?" - March 11, 2006

"I hate the public so much!  If only they'd elect me.  I'd make 'em pay!  Aw, Moe, how do I make 'em like me?" - March 4, 2006

"Everyone knows rock n' roll attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact." - February 25, 2006

"I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich." - February 18, 2006

"Now for the easiest job for any coach... the cuts." - February 11, 2006

"Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians." - February 4, 2006

"I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God." - January 28, 2006

"Always submit to peer pressure." - January 21, 2006

"Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love..." - January 14, 2006

"I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T." - January 7, 2006

"I hope I didn't brain my damage!" - December 31, 2005

"You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning." - December 24, 2005

"I'm not a bath man myself. More of a cologne man." - December 17, 2005

"And if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight in the army, where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything's possible with Commander Cuckoo-Bananas in charge." - December 10, 2005

"Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!" - December 3, 2005

"Marge, quick, how many kids do we have? No time, I'll just estimate. Nine!" - November 26, 2005

"Hey, I asked for ketchup! I'm eatin' salad here!" - November 19, 2005

"You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!" - November 12, 2005

"I wish God were alive to see this." - November 5, 2005

"Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation." - October 29, 2005

"I wonder where Bart is, his dinner's getting all cold... and eaten." - October 22, 2005

"Beer. Now there's a temporary solution." - October 15, 2005

"Who is Fonzy!?! Don't they teach you anything at school?" - October 8, 2005

"I may occasionally kill out of anger; or to illustrate a point, but I'm no Grim Reaper!" - October 1, 2005

"Well, if it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol, boning up on his nerd lesson." - September 24, 2005

"All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals." - September 17, 2005

"First you gotta shriek like a woman, then keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some ass." - September 10, 2005

"Marge, can we go home? All this fresh air is making my hair move and I don't know how long I can complain." - September 3, 2005

"Homer no function beer well without." - August 27, 2005

"If you're gonna get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things." - August 20, 2005

"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races." - August 13, 2005

"I believe children are the future...which is why they must be stopped now!" - August 6, 2005

"Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden." - July 30, 2005

"I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. See ya soon!" - July 23, 2005

"Our kids keep getting smarter. If we have another kid, he could invent a time machine to go back in time and prevent us from having kids." - July 16, 2005

"I used to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day. Then it was every other day." - July 9, 2005

"Ooh, I love your magazine. Especially the 'Enrich Your Wordpower' section. I think it's really...really... really...good." - July 2, 2005

"The food was not undelicious." - June 25, 2005

"The internet wasn't created for mockery, it was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was!" - June 18, 2005

"If it doesn't have siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair." - June 11, 2005

"I've come to hate my own creation. Now I know how God feels." - June 4, 2005

"You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!" - May 28, 2005

"I think I've figured this balloon thing out, Marge. It can go up and down, but not side to side or back in time." - May 21, 2005

"Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'" - May 14, 2005

"All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one." - May 7, 2005

"Bart, you can't weld with such a little flame! Stupid kid." - April 30, 2005

"That horse had better win, or else we're taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won't get to come." - April 23, 2005

"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel." - April 16, 2005

"I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!" - April 9, 2005

"Marge I swear, I never thought that you would find out." - April 2, 2005

"We'll die together, like a father and son should." - March 26, 2005

"English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!" - March 19, 2005

"If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV." - March 12, 2005

"I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in." - March 5, 2005

"Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!" - February 26, 2005

"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?" - February 19, 2005

"First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!" - February 12, 2005

"It's like the story of David and Goliath, except this time David won." - February 5, 2005

"Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves." - January 29, 2005

"When are people going to learn? Democracy doesn't work." - January 22, 2005

"My wife's not some doobie to be passed around! I took a vow on our wedding day to bogart her for life." - January 15, 2005

"Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy." - January 8, 2005

"God bless those pagans." - January 1, 2005

"Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk." - December 25, 2004

"When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of God must feel when he's holding a gun." - December 18, 2004

"Are you sure you're an accredited and bonded pornographer?" - December 11, 2004

"Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!" - December 4, 2004

"No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American Way." - November 27, 2004

"I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are." - November 20, 2004

"Ah, the Luftwaffe. The Washington Generals of the History Channel." - November 13, 2004

"How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?" - November 6, 2004

"Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers." - October 30, 2004

"We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?" - October 23, 2004

"It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone." - October 16, 2004

"Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... not even close." - October 9, 2004

"What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts." - October 2, 2004

"You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?" - September 25, 2004

"Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever...thy will be done." - September 18, 2004

"It's BTO.  They're Canada's answer to ELP.  Their big hit was TCB.  That's how we talked in the 70's.  We didn't have a moment to spare." - September 11, 2004

"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers..." - September 4, 2004

"Carnies built this country.  The carnival part of it, anyway." - August 28, 2004

"Foul temptress!  I'll bet she thinks Ziggy's gotten too preachy too!" - August 21, 2004

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such." - August 14, 2004

"Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless." - August 7, 2004

"I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood." - July 31, 2004

"Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family." - July 24, 2004

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." - July 17, 2004

"Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that." - July 10, 2004

"My dad never believed in me. I'm not going to make the same mistake; I'm going to be nicer to my son and meaner to my dad." - July 3, 2004

"Oh, I'm sick of doing Japanese stuff! In jail we had to be in this dumb kabuki play about the 47 Ronin, and I wanted to be Oshi, but they made me Ori!" - June 26, 2004

"Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow." - June 19, 2004

"Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia?" - June 12, 2004

"I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around." - June 5, 2004

"Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?" - May 29, 2004

"Stealing! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name?" - May 22, 2004

"Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use." - May 15, 2004

"When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie, Police Academy." - May 8, 2004

"Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas. He didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... I forget. But the point is... I forget that, too. Marge, you know what I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car?" - May 1, 2004

"You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide." - April 24, 2004

"Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs." - April 17, 2004

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably.  The lesson is, never try." - April 10, 2004

"Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people." - April 3, 2004

"It's a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up any more, or I'd have looked quite the fool. An April fool, as it were." - April 1, 2004

"Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh." - March 27, 2004

"Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!" - March 20, 2004

"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover." - March 13, 2004

"Dear God, just give me one channel!" - March 6, 2004

"Jesus, Allah, Buddha. I love you all!" - February 28, 2004

"To alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems." - February 21, 2004

"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things" - February 14, 2004

"Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy." - February 7, 2004

"When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces...I just know they're about to jab me with something." - January 31, 2004

"And what if we picked the wrong religion? Every week, we're just making God madder and madder!" - January 24, 2004

"All right brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer." - January 17, 2004

"Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to a giant blender." - January 10, 2004

"Weasling out of work is important to learn; it is what separates humans from animals. Except for weasels." - January 3, 2004

"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day." - December 27, 2003

"I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus." - December 20, 2003

"They have the Internet on computers now?" - December 13, 2003

"America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!" - December 6, 2003

"Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle." - November 29, 2003

"I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight." - November 22, 2003

"Trying is the first step towards failure." - November 15, 2003

"This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke...It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!" - November 8, 2003

"Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and eskimos." - November 1, 2003

"Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip." - October 25, 2003

"Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!" - October 18, 2003

"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true." - October 11, 2003

"What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway." - October 4, 2003

"I've always wondered if there was a God. And now I know there is -- and it's me." - September 27, 2003

"Look Marge, you don't know what it's like -- I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!" - September 20, 2003

"Life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead." - September 13, 2003

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." - September 6, 2003

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down." - August 29, 2003

"Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV." - August 22, 2003

"The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else..." - August 15, 2003

"Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back...unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back or you can go out there and find your dog." - August 8, 2003