Kids Say The Darndest Things

Stink My Butts

familyMichelle, my comedically inclined two year old daughter, has her own catch phrase. To induce pure hilarity, she proudly exclaims "Stink My Butts".

I don't know where this came from. It didn't come from her older brother who would never have adopted such a catch phrase for fear "butts" is on the long list of swear words. Michelle started dropping "Stink My Butts" a couple of weeks ago and my laughter only encouraged her. Now she uses it as a comedy crutch for instant laughs.

Michelle really is funny. She's a super ham, has pretty good timing and a wonderful sense of humour. Stink My Butts indeed...


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Everything is Good Guys vs. Bad Guys

familyFive year old boys are all about good guys vs. bad guys. That's everything to them. Good fights evil in every facet of life, from TMNT to Spider-Man and Star Wars and even sports. Especially sports.

Daddy: James, you're on the Red Sox.
James: No way, they're the bad guys. I won't play for the bad guys.
Daddy: It's not the Boston Red Sox. It's the Toronto Red Sox.
James: Yay! That's the good guys. I won't play for Boston.
Daddy: You are wise, James. You are wise.

Tonight he told me he could only root for one hockey team, and no, I didn't brainwash him with those thoughts. He just realizes that the Leafs are the good guys and every other team is the bad guys, so when the Ducks play the Sens it's a battle of two evil forces.

I miss the days when everything was that black and white. You had heroes and villains and it was easy to choose a side. Today, our heroes can be awfully villainous and our villains are often victims. Everything is grey. Five year old boys don't see grey, and I sincerely envy that.

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Sometimes 100 and 100 Equals 2000

familyIt's been a while since I've thrown something in the Kids Say the Darndest Things pot. Here's an exchange James and I shared last night.

James: Daddy, what's 100 + 100?
Daddy: 200!
James: Nope... it's 2000.
Daddy: 100 + 100 is 200.
James: Actually, you're wrong. It's 2000.
Daddy: Who told you that?
James: Nobody, I just know it. 100 + 100 is 2000. I figured it out myself.
Daddy: What colour is the sky in your world?
James: Blue!

I think this is the new math they're now teaching.

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Sincere Hysterical Laughter

familyYesterday I shared a couple of conversations I had with my kids recently. Since this is all about me, I'm going to share a couple more.

The kids love jokes, particularly knock-knock jokes, only two year old Michelle doesn't quite understand the need for a punch line.

James: Knock, knock.
Daddy: Who's there?
James: Banana.
Daddy: Banana who?
James: Banana.
Daddy: Banana who?
James: Banana.
Daddy: Banana who?
James: Banana.
Daddy: Banana who?
James: Orange.
Daddy: Orange who?
James; Oranga ya glad I didn't say banana?
Daddy: (Courtesy chuckle)
Michelle: My turn!
Daddy: Okay, your turn.
Michelle: Knock, knock.
Daddy: Who's there?
Michelle: Banana poo head!
Daddy, James and Michelle: (Sincere hysterical laughter)

Nothing beats sincere hysterical laughter, but I'm sharing another. This brief convo between James and I is pretty typical. We can't walk to my brother's house without it being a race. It's constant competition.

James: We're on Magic Tree House book #13, but Jack's only on #5.
Daddy: It's not a race.
James: It's not a race, but I'm winning.
Daddy: But it's not a race.
James: I know, but I'm winning.

It's not a race, but I'm winning. Ain't that the truth.

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Conversations With My Kids

familyKids say the darndest things. I love conversing with my kids because they're so brutally honest and unintentionally funny it's always entertaining.

Periodically I'm going to share conversations I have with them. James is five and Michelle is two, and here's a discussion we had recently.

James: My allegiance is to the Republic! To Monoxacree!
Daddy: Monoxacree? I'm pretty sure that word is Democracy.
James: Dem-ox-acree.
Daddy: Democracy. (In my best Obi-Wan) My allegiance is to the Republic, to Democracy!
James: Democracy!
Michelle: Good job, James!

We talk an awful lot about the Star Wars universe and superheroes. Here's a related discussion we had on the weekend.

Daddy: If Spider-Man fought Darth Vader, who would win?
James: Nobody beats Spider-Man - Darth would lose!
Daddy: But what about his Sith powers? Surely his Sith powers would be too strong for Spider-Man.
James: Actually, Spider-Man is too strong. He'd beat Darth.
Michelle: I'm Wonder Woman...
James: Michelle, we're talking about Spider-Man and Darth Vader, not Wonder Woman.
Daddy: Wonder Woman would beat up Darth Vader and Spider-Man and would look good doing it.
Michelle: (To the tune from the theme song) Wonder Woooomaaaaan!

I'll share more, soon. There's an endless supply of content.

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