I have an important message for my Roman Catholic friends, especially my Roman Catholic friends across Latin America. I just got off the phone with Pope Benny, and he told me something I have to share with you all. He says it's okay to use condoms.

I realize the official stance out of the Vatican is that all forms of contraception are bad, but that's a rule meant to be broken. Benny realizes abstinence isn't realistic and that 1.7 million people across Latin America are infected with the HIV virus or full-blown AIDS, and he thinks that sucks. Condoms protect against the HIV virus and if used in all relationships will fix this epidemic good. Benny wants that for you. He just told me so.

You won't read this in the mainstream press, as this was an exclusive Toronto Mike chat with the Popester, but you can trust me. Condoms are A-OK. Use them, screw like rabbits and enjoy life. You're still a good Catholic.